The first Full English I couldn’t stomach

I gave up writing on my blog a while back because I got bored and found something else to keep me entertained, however I need to post my hatred of channels 4's new adult cartoon Full English that aired last night in more than 140 characters.

Family Guy by Seth MacFarlane is an outstanding success, i love it, so I can absolutely understand the overwhelming temptation to try and copy some of their formula if you have been tasked with creating an 'English' animation series aimed at adults. But come on Channel 4, is this really the best you had on offer?......

The most annoying obvious Family Guy rip offs that didn’t work:

• Parody of a TV show. Full English did the show 'Skins' right at the beginning, almost the first thing you see, and it wasn’t funny, it wasn’t anything other than an instant disappointment and realisation the writers were obviously lacking in creativity that they had to start the show with a Family Guy rip off.
• Rich Father-in-law that dislikes his son-in-law. They literally lifted the Carter Pewterschmidt Peter Griffin relationship straight from Family Guy and defecated all over it, it was like watching someone copy in an exam but put all the answers in the wrong place.
• Stupid backward son. Chris Griffin, enough said. LAZY LAZY LAZY!!!!!
• Famous cameos. Due to the success of Family Guy celebrities are literally lining up to be on the show, even if Seth MacFarlane turns them into a complete psychopath (James Woods), but filling your show with UK celebrities just to try and gain a few cheap laughs because the main characters have no substance is weak and a clear sign the writers have the imaginative skills of a rotting lettuce.

Britain has always struggled to produce any animation that can go up against Americas best, yet we can do comedy, we can do satire better than any nation in the world, but as soon as someone is tasked with putting these words into a cartoons mouth we panic and produce absolute horse manure, and not even the good sort of manure you can use to make your veggies grown strong and humorous! why why why???..... off the top of my head the only animation for adults that we have produced that works is 'The Ricky Gervais Show' and that’s because all they have done is draw over a conversation between three extremely funny men.

For Channel 4 to allow this Full English crap on TV is a bigger scandal then George Entwistle not knowing about the Newsnight investigation. I will be watching the @ComedyOn4 twitter feed closely today hoping they use their 140 characters to say something along the lines of:

• #FullEnglish sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
• #FullEnglish we know.... we are sorry. @SethMacFarlane please help us.
• #FullEnglish was just an elaborate @DerrenBrown experiment to see if a monkey with a typewriter could in fact write anything. Sorry

Mobile Application Toys

Fifth instalment of putting adverts on notice 

YAY, brilliant, have you seen these?? Here check out this version from Disney on YouTube

Basically you give your child a toy car but instead of them using their imagination and energy driving it around the floor, they sit next to screen and hold it flat barely moving their wrist! Cheers Disney, I was generally concerned that kids weren’t getting lethargic enough.

Not that long ago an older relative was telling me about their childhood and how they went out after breakfast to play and didn’t come home until dinnertime! now obviously this relative was quite old because in their day school, crime, and paedophiles weren’t yet invented making all day play far away from the home possible. But even in my youth we spent much of our time outside having fun rather than inside playing with ourselves.... hold on that doesn’t sound right... inside playing alone on a computer, yeah that’s better.

The western world appears to be aware of the problem because I have watched a number of documentaries on TV about the issue (yes I appreciate the irony of me moaning about kids being inactive and there I am watching TV, but I am no longer a child so therefore have earned the right to be lazy). However due the cash being spent on these toys of no imagination from parents thinking they being kind by giving their children what they think they want from the brainwashing marketing campaigns, the toy manufacturers will keep relentlessly providing them until we reach a time when I am an old man telling my grandchild "I remember the days when children had legs, and how babies were swaddled after birth in blankets rather than plugged into their Apple iLife".

Surely there is a way of combining smartphone, iPad style technology with active play? One of these companies is going to make an absolute mint when they have that eureka moment.... in fact, I have a few ideas myself, has anyone got Tim Cook's number?

Topless Pictures of Kate Middleton

are not on my blog, I hope the headline wasn’t misleading?

The biggest story on the BBC news website is ‘Royals' fury over topless photos’ now don’t get me wrong I do appreciates nice boobs, I have been a fan/slave to them for many years, but is it really a story worth so much attention?

End of the day she has breasts, most women tend to have them, and yeah you know what they could be a good pair, they could have been the thing that caught Prince Willy's eye in the first place, but is the fact she whipped them out on holiday and some reporter managed to keep his hand steady long enough to take some un-blurred pictures a good enough reason to make headlines around the world?

They might try and wrap it up by saying it’s an issue about privacy for our Royals yada yada yada, but the vast majority of people opening the story or searching Google for the images are men and some ladies purely looking to knock one out (or knock one in if your female) to pictures of her baps, and they couldn’t care less if there has been an intrusion into her privacy or not, they want to see God’s milk bottles, and they couldn’t be happier.

With everything happening in the world today did the BBC and other media outlets really need to make this their major story? Isn’t that a tad bit sad? I don't blame the horny people rushing for their zipper with delight because they are generally quite normal and simply reacting to our most basic of human needs, but playing up to them to improve sales or viewing figures to your website is lazy journalism at best and probably how some of you found your way to this page proving my point.

If the media of this country didn’t make a shit storm of these stories then the demand for them wouldn’t be so high. I'm sorry if Kate is upset that her chesticles are now in the public domain, but I really hope she turns round to the media and says "yeah I have tits whoop de doo Basil, why don't you nip over to Egypt and report on some REAL news"

Picture faked by adding a skin tone to her bikini and creating a pixelated blur.

No-Touch No-Point No-Need Soap Dispensers

Forth instalment of putting adverts on notice 

One of my wife’s biggest annoyances and for once she has a point.

Take this advert for example of the Dettol 'No Touch' Handwash System and let me break it down for you:

• 0:00 - 0:03 "Hands touch some germy stuff"

Agreed, this is why we wash our hands more often than any other area of our body unless you work at the Red Light District of Amsterdam and then I would imagine you might also wash another area of your body just as frequently.

• 0:10 "Fact: Your soap pump can harbour hundreds of bacteria"

And? I am just about to wash my hands so what does it matter? You could carefully rest some badger poo on the top of the dispenser it wouldn’t change a thing as your just about to wash your hands!!!

• 0:16 - 0:18 "It senses hands and dispenses soap"

Hardly Star Ship Enterprises technology is it? And the fact most soap pumps don’t have omnivore poop resting on them was the cost to develop this product really justified?

• 0:18 - 0:21 "Which kills 99.9% of bacteria"

So the product within the dispenser kills any germs that are on your hands? So touching the dirty pump wouldn’t have mattered in the slightest.....

• 0:25 - 0:30 "the Dettol 'No Touch' Handwash System, never touch a germy soap pump again"

If the advert didn’t finish at this point you would hear her say "the Dettol 'No Touch' Handwash System, never touch a germy soap pump again you gullible twat, and why you wasting your money on this pointless tat why not invest in our Rock Paper Scissors Dice Game"

Taps that come on and off by sensing hands reduce the chance of getting germs back on your hands after cleaning them, or maybe toilet doors that open and close automatically would help? But a soap dispenser that puts soap on your hands just before your about to use the soap and hot water to kill all the germs on your hands is just POINTLESS!!!!!! In fact next time I see one of these in anyone’s home I will empty the contents in the bin and replace it with a fine mixture of bodily fluids.

I know it can't be the easiest of tasks getting people excited about your product when it's just soap, and the development team were probably under a lot of pressure to come up with something revolutionary, but come on is this the best you can do Dettol? Let me help you with one idea, create a cheap dispenser for which you can add personalised messages to so that each time someone presses the pump it thanks them, or as my only real intention to having this option is for it say "I can't believe you touched that again, and all the way up to your knuckle, filth".

It doesn’t matter how pointless or dull your product is, don't abuse stupid people with meaningless products that aren’t required, just be creative like Al Harrington and his Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men.

Reacting to my children’s “games” a life lesson

I walked into my front room to see my son have one foot on the back of our sofa and the other on a free standing wooden chair that was slightly rocking. Around him was a wooden cabinet, a table, and various toys also with lots of wonderful hard edges to really hurt yourself on.......

So what did I do? Did I:

1. Rush over and calmly help him down
2. Rip open my shirt to reveal my superhero costume and fly to his rescue
3. Scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" in a load shocked/worried tone to startle him and increase his chances of falling

Of course it was 3.

Thankfully he kept his balance and I helped him down and tried to explain to a 4 year old why what he was doing was a risky game even if he was being Ben 10, which was of course about as productive as trying to teach Tank how to do equations. I walked out the room shaking my head at the foolishness of my own natural reaction.... I might as well have opened the door and shouted "BOO!!!"

I wonder how many people have crossed the road not looking only for an oncoming car to be hurtling towards them when someone shouts "watch out" making said person stop walking increasing the probability of the impact. You could shout "RUN" but then who runs on the command of strangers, you would still stop to see firstly what obnoxious person is trying to enforce exercise on you as you leisurely walk to your destination, and then further time would elapse as you realise your about to become road kebab and the instruction to run was actually meant to help (or was it mwhaha).

I know that intervening with silence is the way forward, I know this because I have watched enough superhero films. Superman for example doesn’t rescue the woman from a falling building by screaming like a 1960's hippie getting a bikini wax for the first time! No, he looks confident swoops in and bish bash bosh the woman is saved.

A child’s ignorance of danger and their enthusiasm of the game in hand is probably keeping them as safe as they can be from the obvious dangers that us old farts instantly identify as soon as we walk into the room to find our most precious creations swinging from the light shade trying to hook their feet under the curtain pole so they can hang upside down..... But next time this happens I will try my hardest to be option 'B' above

Getting Cross about them being cross about a cross

Religions in their purest forms seem quite magnificent and wondrous, but as with all things in life a section of mankind took this message and pissed all over it with selfish greedy desires so they can kill, rule, and be rich with the all mighty excuse that they were just innocently doing the Lords/Allah’s work.

But this blog post isn’t about religion itself, and whether religions are good, bad, stupid, clever, wise or foolish, it’s about what people should expect from others outside of their chosen religion. The BBC have kindly infuriated me.... sorry I mean informed me that 'Christians take 'beliefs' fight to European Court of Human Rights'.

To summarise the story briefly:

• Two Christians wanted to wear cross at work and weren’t allowed.
• Two Christians didn’t want to help/marry a gay couple got sacked.

The fact these people are Christians bares no meaning to why this pissed me off, they could be Muslim, Hindus, Buddhist, Sikhs, Rastafarians, spiritualists or any of the other major world religions and id have still felt just as annoyed. A belief is a belief, it is not grounded in any factual information so why should one persons set of beliefs be put before anyone else’s?

Having a belief in something can be beautiful, and if it helps you live a happier life and a kinder existence to those around you then hey it's a thumbs up from me! But if this belief causes conflict with your day to day general life then tough as that is your choice to hold those beliefs. I couldn't care less if you believed in the great and almighty power of the Teletubbies, if your employer does not think wearing a TV on your chest and an aerial on your head is acceptable work attire then you take it off or go get another job that does allow it.

I love tattoos, if I could then I would be covered from head to toe in them, and as my taste in tattoos tends to be Demonic/Goth id probably look quite scary to some people, but so what, if they judge me on first impressions without getting to know me then I’d rather not know them anyway. However my point for bringing tattoos into this is that the only two reasons I am not a walking piece of gothic art is:

1. I don't have the money to cover myself in Tattoos just yet
2. I would probably lose my job and find it very hard to get another one.

My skin is the one true thing I own and I should be able to do with it what the hell I want to, but the world we live in today is still far too narrow-minded to allow me to do this and also provide a living for my family, but I am not running off to the courts of human rights bitching and moaning about it, I just begrudgingly accept it and look forward to the day I win the lottery so Jacek Kuzminski at Oxford Ink can spend the next few months inking what remains of my skin!

Plus the sad fact is id probably lose my case simply because loving tattoos is not a religion or belief it's something that exists which can be felt and seen as well as dated as far back in human existence to as early as 3300 BC. Unlike the rights of someone who has a belief in a deity that no one to date has any actual evidence of their existence, just a few theories and interpretations that lead to wars and genocides..... but as my history knowledge isn’t faultless I am happy to stand corrected if an organised mass killing has taken place by those who have tattoos against the disgusting non believers of the inky art?

In short I’d be stood alongside anyone fighting for their right to hold a belief, and I like to think I am very understanding and respectful of peoples beliefs when presented with them in their home, place of worship, and even when they knock at my door with a leaflet on why masturbation will send me to hell, but come on world its 2012 lets grow a belief backbone and stop pandering to those who want to push none factual beliefs on others in their jobs, in our schools, and in any public environment where a conflict between reality and beliefs will occur.

I’m not an Atheist and I’m not Agnostic, but I’d rather live in a country that isn’t dictated to by some people’s confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof.  

Maybe I’ll start a campaign to get Ricky Gervais elected as Prime Minister so he can abolish the current bill of human rights in this country and work with Karl Pilkington to bring a new one in that is more in line with the modern world?....... not a bad idea for a show either.

GCSE’s, or Get Creating Some nEw Stories!!

Can someone please do something deplorable in Oxford?? For the second day straight the Oxford Mail website is nothing but GCSE stories and it’s doing my nut in.

Don’t get me wrong I am glad the teenagers of today are being given easier exams from when I was at school, but come on surely we could sort this with one story:

[Headline] - GCSE results are in! (again) same as they were last year, and the year before that and so on.

[Story] - Some did well, some did badly, and some were drunk/pregnant/in a stolen car when they collected them. Oh and surprisingly school "A" in the middle of an affluent area was top in the county, while school "B" in the Ghetto neglected area by dog shit alley (<<< this alley actually exists) was at the bottom.....

I know just like X factor some of the kids have triumphed through some kind of adversity *cue Coldplay song* and this appeals to a section of people who like nice feel good stories, but what people like me? My sheer existence is based on an ability to moan, if I can’t read about some chav vandalising a car for no reason other than the fact his parents didn’t hug him enough when he was a young crack addict, or the Oxford City Council deciding to reduce the speed limit to 10mph because 20mph was putting road bound snails at risk, then my life has less meaning.

Maybe we could get Andrew Smith MP to play strip billiards in the Holiday Inn Express next to the Oxford Kassam Stadium? Or maybe we could copy Leicester and dig up the Westgate car park to look for some human remains, they don't need to be royal, id be impressed enough just to find a mutated humpbacked servant that got illegal buried after his master accidently killed him during a vigorous bumming. ANYTHING..... I’m desperate to feed my negativity and general pessimism of the human race.

But I’ll relent slightly just this once and say well done people less than half my age, your results were probably well earned through either studying night and day, or by doing the teacher night and day, I hope you use this positivity to spur you on so that you can also make the most out of the benefit system the way so many of your forefathers have done.

Prince Alan Hangover Harry

Poor Harry he just can't seem to win with his family, wears a Nazi uniform, gets castigated; DOESN'T wear a Nazi uniform, gets castigated!

The entire nation is celebrating the fact our Prince was naked in Vegas, Prince Harry is trending on Twitter and it's a love-in of respect for him showing off the royal jewels, so where is the problem?

Ok so St James's Palace confirmed it contacted the Press Complaints Commission over the possible use of naked photos of Prince Harry as they would constitute an invasion of privacy. ButT I bet if you asked Harry himself he would love it "lets rock out with our cock out Britain".

The only thing about all this that makes me wince slightly is that it was strip billiards. I know he is posh but billiards? Seriously? Although I guess a game that dull and pointless does needs nakedness to make it interesting.

Although his Nan might need some convincing I bet Prince Philip the Duke of Dudeness was as proud as Ricky Gervais was to finally see his penis again.

Now all I can do is hope and pray that Prince William has a baby so that Harry can complete his transformation in to the Alan we all know and love. The popularity of Royal Family will never be in doubt again if Prince William takes the throne while Harry Alan Windsor entertains the world with naked ginger arse.

Finally as I am currently focusing my attention on adverts I challenge Bargain Booze to get all over this and spoof their next advert to incorporate a naked ginger bloke playing billiards, ah come on you know you want to!

EDF Energy crap out on their Blue Price Promise

Third instalment of putting adverts on notice 

I really didn’t want to do another blog post about a shit gimmick because I've only just ranted about the Argos Aliens, but EDF Energy have actually created a SHIT gimmick.... who made the decision to align their brand with what is effectively a turd with eyes?

If you haven’t seen the advert please do see EDF Energy Feel Better Energy TV advert on YouTube because seeing is believing!

Just a few observations:

• 0:14 Seconds in. Even the cat can't understand why its owner is continuing to clean despite the fact someone has quite clearly taken a poo on the vacuum. The poor cat even goes to the length of moving its paw out of the way!
• 0:27 Seconds in. It's watching the washing machine and do you want to know why? because at 0:18 it’s sat on a hot iron, for which the steam would obviously cause the poop to melt onto the clothes, rank!
• 0:34 Seconds in. Words escape me...... a bloody bowel movement.... 
• 0:36 Seconds in. Why is it watching an insect gyrate?
• 0:40 Seconds in. The gyrating insect obviously got too much as the EDF poo now appears to be knocking one out to the poster...
• 0:52 Seconds in. This poor tortured cat it can't even escape to the laundry room, they might as well just shoot a video of animals getting pelted with faeces.

Even the song Together In Electric Dreams by Human League that they have selected to play over the defecation has been a lazy selection with an obvious oversight in the connotations to toilet humour, yes it has electric in the lyrics but it also says:

"I only knew you for a while, I never saw your smile" 

Everyone takes a sneaky peek in the toilet before they flush, no one knows why they do and I am sure no one premeditates a look but they look none the less. So yes you only knew it for a while, but of course it didn’t smile, it might resemble the Loch Ness Monster after a particularly meaty dinner, but even that’s rare.

 "I don’t have to try, I just close my eyes, I close my eyes" 

We all have to try a little, but even if you don’t is that really something to brag about? I'm not sure if I close my eyes, I don't think I do, I'll do an experiment later.


The problem is that although I could go on making lots of reference about number 2's, this does actually highlight a problem in the corporate world. At some stage a meeting would have taken place at EDF headquarters where a marketing team and top execs all sat around to make the decision on how to brand their latest campaign, and I bet 80% of the people in that room sat there thinking "That looks like a poo with a eyes" but kept this opinion to themselves because obviously no one on their salary would know what poo looked like, let alone talk about it......

I'm sorry EDF but you need to go back to the drawing board and start again, unless of course you are being extremely clever and the fact you’re using a poo to brand your service is actually a subliminal message that you still provide a shit service

Canesten thrush cream

Second instalment of putting adverts on notice  

I’d be quick to criticise a company who makes products for what are effectively body issues that we would all rather not discuss and then skirt around the issue, so from the outset the latest Canesten thrush cream advert that sees little red riding hood trying hard not to itch her snatch in public gets a green tick from me.

My problem however is that With the Internet part and parcel of our daily life do we need thrush adverts and similar thrusht into our face on the TV in the first place? Got a dodgy smelly itch that keeps weeping? then go to the doctors, call the NHS direct, or Google the symptoms...... don't sit at home raking your privates waiting for the answer to appear in the breaks of Emmerdale!

As I have already said I do like the honesty of Canesten in their adverts and we have come a long way from the notorious tampon ads where the NON hormonal woman (1st lie) is the happiest she has ever been (2nd lie) because their product not only mops up sufficiently, but also transforms her into a go getter that simply cannot wait to play no end of sports that she probably got out of doing during her PE school days because of being "on" every single week. Those adverts were an abuse on all our intelligence and women should have staged a dirty protest until they became more honest. But I digress, thrush is apparently very common (thanks to Embarrassing Bodies for enlightening me on this fact in-between Dr Christian looking at an inverted penis and muffs so hairy they should be considered for Crufts) but do we need an advert on TV to inform people of the cures available in stores?

As a man who has not had thrush I wouldn't really have known for sure what the symptoms were without looking in to it, for which obviously I wouldn't have done unless I had it, so if I was at a pharmacy and a woman was buying Canesten cream then as far as I would of known she was tackling a nasty blister on her foot. But now thanks to these adverts I am no longer left with that pleasure of ignorance, noooo I get to know the poor cow wants nothing better than to stop talking and start itching her Irish Setter who won best in show 1999.

I know it's a competitive world out there and companies are fighting tooth and nail to stand out and be known, but if your product puts unsavoury images into my head are you not abusing your power? should you not be restricted to leaflets in doctors waiting rooms and to hire the best Google rankings expert you can get, at least that way when someone types in 'itchy bald man in a boat' Canesten thrush cream is within the top 3 results!

Maybe we need a specific channel that carries all these adverts and more, let the companies go wild, this way if you do wake up and find something isn’t quite right you can flick onto channel 782 (for example) and wait for an advert to appear which fits your symptoms with a recommendation of what might help.

Canesten you have come so far, but now it's time to lead the way in going away. Plus I am sure your see sales increase if people can ask for, and buy your products, safe in the knowledge that everyone else waiting in the queue just thinks you have a pretty aggressive blister.

Itchy and Scratchy Thrush

Argos Aliens

First instalment of putting adverts on notice  

WTF............. who created these monstrosities? How many years at University did this human decide I know what would drum up sales and change our image as an slum land employer who has to operate out of warehouses because if you actually catch sight of our staff the end result is similar to those victims from ‘The Ring’.

If you need a quick reminder of these adverts then see this Argos Alien Advert on YouTube. Surely the only reason for creating a gimmick character is so that people take to them so much they actually want them as well as what they are trying to sell, for example the PG Tips Beanie monkey, or the massive success of SIMPLES.

Who would take to these gangly big headed bowel movements? They aren’t sweet, they aren’t funny, they aren’t cuddly, they aren’t anything other than repulsive...... they need men in black suits to bust through the front door with baseball bats and smash their alien skulls into pulp, and what better way to advertise a sale on bats? You could even make it jovial with one of the men turning to the camera and saying “don’t worry kids all alien brain matter is wiped off before you buy”.

Sort it out Argos, you have been told.

Putting adverts on notice.

Adverts, I love and loath them equally. When done well they not only make me want to buy the product but I sadly look forward to the latest installment like a sequel to a Hollywood blockbuster, and sadly on some rare occasion the advert can be so good I have even took the time to find the advert on YouTube for another hit of their marketing heroin. However done badly and I not only detest the time they spew their bile into my eyes and ears, but I actually build up am unhealthy hatred against the product and company.

With this in mind and to give those around me some time off, I have decided to blog about the various adverts I hate and maybe just maybe if you’re lucky the ones I enjoy as well. But to save time here is a couple of style of adverts that really grinds my gears:

Dubbed adverts

Nothing makes me detest a product and pigheadedly choose to not buy it regardless of how good or cost effective it might be more than when a multinational corporation makes one advert, and sends it around the world dubbed over in that country’s national tongue. If you can’t be arsed to pay actors who speak English to recreate the desired advert, then I can’t be arse to buy your product. I could forgive a small start up company but the worst offenders tend be from major retailers of cleaning products. Why not pay that little bit extra and hire in some non famous actors from that country and tailor the advert to the people directly? Lazy!

Faked real adverts....

ARRRRR my head wants to explode already just thinking about them, I would love to get my hands on the person responsible for creating the first ever ‘These are real people being filmed from a  distance honest nudge nudge wink wink’ advert.

Firstly they fail immediately by using immaculate fake real people. Very few times in the actual real world do you come across people who are perfect to the very final detail, and if you do, then I would bet my left testicle they wouldn’t want to stop and talk to some smug prick who wants to show the rest of the un-kept public how bad their teeth actually are.

Secondly they always tend to take place in a beautiful shopping centre, no chavs in sight, no crap on the floor, and no old person pulling a tartan trolley doddering across the shot because they haven’t noticed the cameraman filming 20 yards away.

Thirdly the smug fake real prick fronting the product is always a well turned out marketing executive with a hugely successful background in sales, who in reality would be nowhere near the “shop floor” let alone manning a self constructed advertising stand. If they want to make me even slightly consider this set up to be real at least hire someone that is obnoxious, has half their shirt un-tucked at the back, stinks of smoke, and grunts “alright” as you walk past hoping you won’t actually stop and talk to them.  

Finally the biggest giveaway  is the fact these “REAL” people get told how ugly their skin is, how bad their teeth are, how disgustingly bad their clothes are cleaned, and told to fuck off for a week and use the desired product to see the improvement and they COME BACK!! No one in their right mind who gets told they are effectively scum would return to that smarmy nob chops to be judged a second time, they would take the freebie and leave never to be seen again, except maybe to slash the car tyres of the branded van sat waiting in the overpriced dark damp shopping centre car park.

I know work is work and an actor’s life can be tough until they have their big break, but if you accept one of these jobs then I hope you spend your nights crying into your pillow thinking about how you have sold out..... because I am sat at home searching for the remote control hoping you get a pretty nasty and aggressive STD.

Bring back the Tango man.

 

The story rant so far:

Argos Aliens
Canesten thrush cream  
EDF Energy crap out on their Blue Price Promise
No-Touch No-Point No-Need Soap Dispensers 
Mobile Application Toys

Crocodile Dundee wannabe? Elmer Fudd maybe.

I watched a program last night I had recorded called ‘When animals attack’ I think it was number 8 if you want to check it out, but they had this old fella on there who was talking about Nile Crocodiles alongside a teacher in Africa who had survived an attack by one as he was swimming.

This old boy was a retired game hunter who had killed over 800 crocs in his time and was as proud as punch of this fact and I quote “I respect Crocs but I love to kill em”. This old fart and his hard on for shooting animals rubbed me right up the wrong way, as it always does, why do some hunters think that the person behind the firearm is apparently greater in the hunt than then animals they are killing.  

I’m not going to slam hunting entirely because I’d be a hypocrite, especially as I went fishing this week for the first time in almost 20 years, albeit just to catch some common Bleak with my two young sons as they were keen to try fishing. Plus I eat meat, I love meat, and animals die to give me this meat. I even understand that at times some animals need to be culled for various reasons. But what gets right under my skin is the excitement and sense of ultimate manhood some hunters get about their kill and this is especially true of big game hunters.

If you really must kill something for nothing other than to get your rocks off or for an ugly trophy on your wall then at least see if for what it is, an (apparent) advanced form of intelligent life using a weapon that can fire at distance to kill defenceless animals. Don’t sit there stroking your ego making your supposed achievement sound like the battle of all battles, man against beast in an epic primal encounter where only the strongest will survive..... No your hid behind a bush with a firearm, woooooo what a tough guy.

If you want that accolade get yourself in training, pump those weights, take no end of mixed martial arts classes and then get in the swap and kill that croc with your bare hands. Go running face on to the prides biggest male Lion and stick one on his chin, dive into the deep blue sea with a paper cut and get a great white shark in a headlock so you can pull its teeth out for your ever so manly necklace. Do this, and even though you’re still killing animals for “fun” at least you have some right to sit their smugly safe in the knowledge you pitted your wits and strength against big game on a level (ish) playing field.

What a complete bunch of cowardly HCuntsman they are.

A gift from the stars

If you ever needed evidence that a Doctor Who type of person existed then Baby Wipes is it. How can something that is made to go on the most delicate of skins be so effective at wiping ANYTHING off?

I have seen baby wipes get marks of walls that have been there for years, it cleans any paint off your skin quicker and less smelly than using white spirit, they are the most effective tool in cleanliness that has ever been invited and they can be used on BABIES!

Alien technology is the only answer to how they manage it, no acid, no bleach, no lethal concoction of chemicals, nothing, just a fragrant smell of a semi damp rag and hey presto your kids arses are shining and that stain on your coffee table is no more.

You can keep your sonic screwdriver cheers Doc, the baby wipes are the way forward.

Exercise should come with a health warning

Is exercise really that good for you once you get past your twenties? I’ve decided to start playing football again over 10 years after I had hung my football boots up, and my body is killing after just two weeks of training.

IF exercise was good for you when you start going grey and carrying a few extra pounds to keep the chill out at winter, then surely your body no matter how unfit you are would feel better after it’s been exercised? I know there is some medical mumbo-jumbo that tries to give an explanation for why our body’s ache after exercise, especially if we haven’t done much for a while, but ahhh come on seriously? What else do you do that is meant to be fun but ends up actually hurting?

Imagine if mans favourite past time of walking Willie the one eyed wonder worm made you hurt the next day the same way exercises does? Although to be fair I haven’t ever stopped for long enough like I have with exercise to find out, so maybe that’s a bad example?

Ok so scrap that but you get my drift? Things that are meant to be fun and good for you regardless of age shouldn’t hurt. Plus where have some of these exercises they have me doing come from? Has the bloke who trains us done an apprenticeship in Somalia with the pirates learning new torture techniques? Take Planking not only does it sound like swashbuckling pirate talk, but after 20 seconds of keeping my body straight and off the floor with just the use of my lowers arms and toes, id not only tell them where the treasure was I'd make them a packed lunch for the journey.

I won’t even approach giving you my opinions on burpees as I am trying hard to not swear on this blog, but if you don’t know what they are so have never done them, don’t. In fact if anyone says to you “let’s do burpees” make yourself burp and then run away as fast as you can because that person is probably a Sadist.

The good news is I think I have a way of dealing with the pain, a drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops. It’s amazing how much movement I get back with every can or bottle, so just as long as I keep drinking this football training and “keeping fit” malarkey can’t actually get the better of me! Ta da I know the secret that has obviously helped all our athletes who have won so many medals at this year’s Olympics in London. They wouldn’t have been able to keep up such a schedule of torment for four years without getting bang on the source each evening, and it’s probably why despite continually being unfairly taxed there is still a tidy profit being made by those who make the true energy drinks with at least a 5% alcohol volume.

I will kick a competitive football again and I have beer to thank for it, exercise and those who spread lies about its benefits can do one.

Stay Safe. Stay Legal.

Sadly in these times self protection has become a real issue for many people young and old. The vicious circle of carrying a weapon in case you get attacked by someone carrying a weapon is putting normally law abiding citizens at risk of doing something that will have massive implications on their futures.

But fear no more as I think I have found the solution!

Dog poo bags.

Yes that’s right dog poo bags, the small cheap often black or green bags us dog walkers carry in our back pockets to pick up the little parcels of smelly warm love our dear wonderful pets are so eager to do in public instead of in their own gardens.

It never fails to amuse me how far people will go to avoid me when I’m walking down the road with Tank in one hand while slightly swinging a small warm bag of dog poo in the other. No matter how young, old, big, small or slightly mentally deranged they look; no one wants to get close to me because of some strange inherent fear that I might hit them with the swinging bag of poop.

I get the feeling I have already sold the idea to you, but just in case your part of the small % of people scratching their head thinking “knife or poo” let’s take a look at the positives against the negatives.

Benefits of carrying a bag of poo over a knife:

• Potential muggers or attackers are less likely to approach you in the first place.
• No attacker will attempt to take the bag of poo off you.
• You can swing the poo as violently as you like and your never be sent to prison for defending yourself.
• They are cheap and can be brought in all major supermarkets.
• Even if you don’t have a dog you can always find some poo.

Negatives:

• Being attacked by a dog scat lover who only gets further excited by the presence of the dog poo bag.

So there you have it, a cheap legal way of guaranteeing your own personal safety.

The unwarranted abuse of Bollocks

Today I have been thinking about the derogative use of the word bollocks and how unjustified the use of this word in a negative manner is.

My bollocks or testicles (from the Latin testiculus) have performed outstandingly for me over the years. There core functions of producing sperm and the male hormones of which testosterone is the best-known has been remarkable!

Although my teenage years and the majority of my twenties saw most of their hard work flushed away in vain. I did eventually allow them to complete a couple of successful missions, and my two boys are true amazing miracles of the lottery of life.

So why when we get told something we disagree with, or shown something that doesn’t make us happy, we associate this unpleasantly to the miracle making testicles, with the phrase “what a load of bollocks”???!

I agree they aren’t the best looking thing in the world, I wouldn’t want a pair on my mantelpiece, or choose to hang a couple round a gold chain. But is their appearance really justification for being used as a negative, and if so why do we not attribute this theory to other things? I never hear anyone say “what a load of old elbow skin” or “Oh cellulite!”

Furthermore, if we are to accept the inevitable that our bollocks will be forever used as a term for when things aren’t great, why do we consider Canine testicles the epitome of perfection?!!!

“That my friend is the dog’s bollocks!”

Are they more attractive? Do they have other functions that our human testicles do not? No, well at least I hope not, I haven’t yet come across anyone sporting a pair of dog’s bollocks on their head as a trendy hat, or seen a dog creating work of art from within.

Maybe being a nation of animal lovers we have a profound guilt about generally removing the dog’s bollocks as a puppy, that we ease this guilt with associating them to flawlessness regardless of the subject matter?

I have a great fondness towards dogs, but surely our man sacks that play a significant part in creating human life are more worthy of a positive phrase then that of dogs whose nuts generally end up in a vets bin?

Finally, and I do appreciate I have ranted on about bollocks for a fair bit already. But where did the phrase “He dropped a bollock” come from?

Surely no man in the history of mankind has ever dropped his own testicle? And why were they out of the scrotum in the first place? At what point did this man decide a safer place to keep his testicles instead of the creation made scrotum, was in fact his hands?

The whole thing is just a load of old elbow skin!

Constructive Feedback is not positive; it’s a negative genius at work

Annoyingly positive people should be shot because they contribute nothing to society other then winding me up.

Let’s face it, what does being positive all the time ever accomplish? Change only happens when you dislike something so much you start to think of how it can be improved. How many times do you sit at work regardless of your chosen career and think “what a bureaucratic, time wasting, pointless process this is”??  It is that collective negativity that will eventually get it changed. Positive people do not do this; they sit there and think of excuses for why the process is ‘good’.......wankers!

Negative people not only make the world better, they make people better. When you’re doing something that bugs the crap out of everyone, your positive friends won’t stop you, nooooooo those bastards will just let you continue being a prick making everyone else hate you more. Your negative nature friends will call you on it, they have no choice, it’s either tell you to stop doing whatever your doing that is infuriating them, or knock your teeth out

It is important to be positive at times I agree, however it is not healthy or helpful to look for the best in everything all the time.  Embrace that inner voice that is saying ‘what a load of old shit’, let him speak out, never suppress the negative genius that can make a difference.

Negative people also tend to come up with quicker and more effective solutions. There nerves are so small generally, they can’t be bothered doing something half arsed, this will not improve it, it just adds to their frustrations because you haven’t resolved the issue, just delayed it, and what could be more annoying than that?

Let’s take President Mugabe, even the most positive of people in this world would struggle to find ‘positive reasons’ for his continued leadership in Zimbabwe. However these annoying diplomatic positive turds will think of so called “solutions” that meet President Mugabe half way, but why? The man is a monster. The wonderful negative freedom fighter has a much better way of dealing with such tyrants, eliminate them.

Let’s not live in a more positive world, let’s live in a controlled negative one. Give negative people a voice without fear of being labelled a trouble maker, or the recipient of a freshly folded P45, and you will see improvements!

Positive people won’t let change happen, they use our insecurities against us, they make us take the easy option of surrounding ourselves with people that make us feel good, rather than those who tell it as it is. Positive people are sneaky soulless bastards keeping us from achieving more in life.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, well he does, and it’s inside all those positive fuckers!

Save your soul, embrace negativity.