No-Touch No-Point No-Need Soap Dispensers

Forth instalment of putting adverts on notice 

One of my wife’s biggest annoyances and for once she has a point.

Take this advert for example of the Dettol 'No Touch' Handwash System and let me break it down for you:

• 0:00 - 0:03 "Hands touch some germy stuff"

Agreed, this is why we wash our hands more often than any other area of our body unless you work at the Red Light District of Amsterdam and then I would imagine you might also wash another area of your body just as frequently.

• 0:10 "Fact: Your soap pump can harbour hundreds of bacteria"

And? I am just about to wash my hands so what does it matter? You could carefully rest some badger poo on the top of the dispenser it wouldn’t change a thing as your just about to wash your hands!!!

• 0:16 - 0:18 "It senses hands and dispenses soap"

Hardly Star Ship Enterprises technology is it? And the fact most soap pumps don’t have omnivore poop resting on them was the cost to develop this product really justified?

• 0:18 - 0:21 "Which kills 99.9% of bacteria"

So the product within the dispenser kills any germs that are on your hands? So touching the dirty pump wouldn’t have mattered in the slightest.....

• 0:25 - 0:30 "the Dettol 'No Touch' Handwash System, never touch a germy soap pump again"

If the advert didn’t finish at this point you would hear her say "the Dettol 'No Touch' Handwash System, never touch a germy soap pump again you gullible twat, and why you wasting your money on this pointless tat why not invest in our Rock Paper Scissors Dice Game"

Taps that come on and off by sensing hands reduce the chance of getting germs back on your hands after cleaning them, or maybe toilet doors that open and close automatically would help? But a soap dispenser that puts soap on your hands just before your about to use the soap and hot water to kill all the germs on your hands is just POINTLESS!!!!!! In fact next time I see one of these in anyone’s home I will empty the contents in the bin and replace it with a fine mixture of bodily fluids.

I know it can't be the easiest of tasks getting people excited about your product when it's just soap, and the development team were probably under a lot of pressure to come up with something revolutionary, but come on is this the best you can do Dettol? Let me help you with one idea, create a cheap dispenser for which you can add personalised messages to so that each time someone presses the pump it thanks them, or as my only real intention to having this option is for it say "I can't believe you touched that again, and all the way up to your knuckle, filth".

It doesn’t matter how pointless or dull your product is, don't abuse stupid people with meaningless products that aren’t required, just be creative like Al Harrington and his Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men.