GCSE’s, or Get Creating Some nEw Stories!!

Can someone please do something deplorable in Oxford?? For the second day straight the Oxford Mail website is nothing but GCSE stories and it’s doing my nut in.

Don’t get me wrong I am glad the teenagers of today are being given easier exams from when I was at school, but come on surely we could sort this with one story:

[Headline] - GCSE results are in! (again) same as they were last year, and the year before that and so on.

[Story] - Some did well, some did badly, and some were drunk/pregnant/in a stolen car when they collected them. Oh and surprisingly school "A" in the middle of an affluent area was top in the county, while school "B" in the Ghetto neglected area by dog shit alley (<<< this alley actually exists) was at the bottom.....

I know just like X factor some of the kids have triumphed through some kind of adversity *cue Coldplay song* and this appeals to a section of people who like nice feel good stories, but what people like me? My sheer existence is based on an ability to moan, if I can’t read about some chav vandalising a car for no reason other than the fact his parents didn’t hug him enough when he was a young crack addict, or the Oxford City Council deciding to reduce the speed limit to 10mph because 20mph was putting road bound snails at risk, then my life has less meaning.

Maybe we could get Andrew Smith MP to play strip billiards in the Holiday Inn Express next to the Oxford Kassam Stadium? Or maybe we could copy Leicester and dig up the Westgate car park to look for some human remains, they don't need to be royal, id be impressed enough just to find a mutated humpbacked servant that got illegal buried after his master accidently killed him during a vigorous bumming. ANYTHING..... I’m desperate to feed my negativity and general pessimism of the human race.

But I’ll relent slightly just this once and say well done people less than half my age, your results were probably well earned through either studying night and day, or by doing the teacher night and day, I hope you use this positivity to spur you on so that you can also make the most out of the benefit system the way so many of your forefathers have done.

Prince Alan Hangover Harry

Poor Harry he just can't seem to win with his family, wears a Nazi uniform, gets castigated; DOESN'T wear a Nazi uniform, gets castigated!

The entire nation is celebrating the fact our Prince was naked in Vegas, Prince Harry is trending on Twitter and it's a love-in of respect for him showing off the royal jewels, so where is the problem?

Ok so St James's Palace confirmed it contacted the Press Complaints Commission over the possible use of naked photos of Prince Harry as they would constitute an invasion of privacy. ButT I bet if you asked Harry himself he would love it "lets rock out with our cock out Britain".

The only thing about all this that makes me wince slightly is that it was strip billiards. I know he is posh but billiards? Seriously? Although I guess a game that dull and pointless does needs nakedness to make it interesting.

Although his Nan might need some convincing I bet Prince Philip the Duke of Dudeness was as proud as Ricky Gervais was to finally see his penis again.

Now all I can do is hope and pray that Prince William has a baby so that Harry can complete his transformation in to the Alan we all know and love. The popularity of Royal Family will never be in doubt again if Prince William takes the throne while Harry Alan Windsor entertains the world with naked ginger arse.

Finally as I am currently focusing my attention on adverts I challenge Bargain Booze to get all over this and spoof their next advert to incorporate a naked ginger bloke playing billiards, ah come on you know you want to!

EDF Energy crap out on their Blue Price Promise

Third instalment of putting adverts on notice 

I really didn’t want to do another blog post about a shit gimmick because I've only just ranted about the Argos Aliens, but EDF Energy have actually created a SHIT gimmick.... who made the decision to align their brand with what is effectively a turd with eyes?

If you haven’t seen the advert please do see EDF Energy Feel Better Energy TV advert on YouTube because seeing is believing!

Just a few observations:

• 0:14 Seconds in. Even the cat can't understand why its owner is continuing to clean despite the fact someone has quite clearly taken a poo on the vacuum. The poor cat even goes to the length of moving its paw out of the way!
• 0:27 Seconds in. It's watching the washing machine and do you want to know why? because at 0:18 it’s sat on a hot iron, for which the steam would obviously cause the poop to melt onto the clothes, rank!
• 0:34 Seconds in. Words escape me...... a bloody bowel movement.... 
• 0:36 Seconds in. Why is it watching an insect gyrate?
• 0:40 Seconds in. The gyrating insect obviously got too much as the EDF poo now appears to be knocking one out to the poster...
• 0:52 Seconds in. This poor tortured cat it can't even escape to the laundry room, they might as well just shoot a video of animals getting pelted with faeces.

Even the song Together In Electric Dreams by Human League that they have selected to play over the defecation has been a lazy selection with an obvious oversight in the connotations to toilet humour, yes it has electric in the lyrics but it also says:

"I only knew you for a while, I never saw your smile" 

Everyone takes a sneaky peek in the toilet before they flush, no one knows why they do and I am sure no one premeditates a look but they look none the less. So yes you only knew it for a while, but of course it didn’t smile, it might resemble the Loch Ness Monster after a particularly meaty dinner, but even that’s rare.

 "I don’t have to try, I just close my eyes, I close my eyes" 

We all have to try a little, but even if you don’t is that really something to brag about? I'm not sure if I close my eyes, I don't think I do, I'll do an experiment later.


The problem is that although I could go on making lots of reference about number 2's, this does actually highlight a problem in the corporate world. At some stage a meeting would have taken place at EDF headquarters where a marketing team and top execs all sat around to make the decision on how to brand their latest campaign, and I bet 80% of the people in that room sat there thinking "That looks like a poo with a eyes" but kept this opinion to themselves because obviously no one on their salary would know what poo looked like, let alone talk about it......

I'm sorry EDF but you need to go back to the drawing board and start again, unless of course you are being extremely clever and the fact you’re using a poo to brand your service is actually a subliminal message that you still provide a shit service

Canesten thrush cream

Second instalment of putting adverts on notice  

I’d be quick to criticise a company who makes products for what are effectively body issues that we would all rather not discuss and then skirt around the issue, so from the outset the latest Canesten thrush cream advert that sees little red riding hood trying hard not to itch her snatch in public gets a green tick from me.

My problem however is that With the Internet part and parcel of our daily life do we need thrush adverts and similar thrusht into our face on the TV in the first place? Got a dodgy smelly itch that keeps weeping? then go to the doctors, call the NHS direct, or Google the symptoms...... don't sit at home raking your privates waiting for the answer to appear in the breaks of Emmerdale!

As I have already said I do like the honesty of Canesten in their adverts and we have come a long way from the notorious tampon ads where the NON hormonal woman (1st lie) is the happiest she has ever been (2nd lie) because their product not only mops up sufficiently, but also transforms her into a go getter that simply cannot wait to play no end of sports that she probably got out of doing during her PE school days because of being "on" every single week. Those adverts were an abuse on all our intelligence and women should have staged a dirty protest until they became more honest. But I digress, thrush is apparently very common (thanks to Embarrassing Bodies for enlightening me on this fact in-between Dr Christian looking at an inverted penis and muffs so hairy they should be considered for Crufts) but do we need an advert on TV to inform people of the cures available in stores?

As a man who has not had thrush I wouldn't really have known for sure what the symptoms were without looking in to it, for which obviously I wouldn't have done unless I had it, so if I was at a pharmacy and a woman was buying Canesten cream then as far as I would of known she was tackling a nasty blister on her foot. But now thanks to these adverts I am no longer left with that pleasure of ignorance, noooo I get to know the poor cow wants nothing better than to stop talking and start itching her Irish Setter who won best in show 1999.

I know it's a competitive world out there and companies are fighting tooth and nail to stand out and be known, but if your product puts unsavoury images into my head are you not abusing your power? should you not be restricted to leaflets in doctors waiting rooms and to hire the best Google rankings expert you can get, at least that way when someone types in 'itchy bald man in a boat' Canesten thrush cream is within the top 3 results!

Maybe we need a specific channel that carries all these adverts and more, let the companies go wild, this way if you do wake up and find something isn’t quite right you can flick onto channel 782 (for example) and wait for an advert to appear which fits your symptoms with a recommendation of what might help.

Canesten you have come so far, but now it's time to lead the way in going away. Plus I am sure your see sales increase if people can ask for, and buy your products, safe in the knowledge that everyone else waiting in the queue just thinks you have a pretty aggressive blister.

Itchy and Scratchy Thrush

Argos Aliens

First instalment of putting adverts on notice  

WTF............. who created these monstrosities? How many years at University did this human decide I know what would drum up sales and change our image as an slum land employer who has to operate out of warehouses because if you actually catch sight of our staff the end result is similar to those victims from ‘The Ring’.

If you need a quick reminder of these adverts then see this Argos Alien Advert on YouTube. Surely the only reason for creating a gimmick character is so that people take to them so much they actually want them as well as what they are trying to sell, for example the PG Tips Beanie monkey, or the massive success of SIMPLES.

Who would take to these gangly big headed bowel movements? They aren’t sweet, they aren’t funny, they aren’t cuddly, they aren’t anything other than repulsive...... they need men in black suits to bust through the front door with baseball bats and smash their alien skulls into pulp, and what better way to advertise a sale on bats? You could even make it jovial with one of the men turning to the camera and saying “don’t worry kids all alien brain matter is wiped off before you buy”.

Sort it out Argos, you have been told.

Putting adverts on notice.

Adverts, I love and loath them equally. When done well they not only make me want to buy the product but I sadly look forward to the latest installment like a sequel to a Hollywood blockbuster, and sadly on some rare occasion the advert can be so good I have even took the time to find the advert on YouTube for another hit of their marketing heroin. However done badly and I not only detest the time they spew their bile into my eyes and ears, but I actually build up am unhealthy hatred against the product and company.

With this in mind and to give those around me some time off, I have decided to blog about the various adverts I hate and maybe just maybe if you’re lucky the ones I enjoy as well. But to save time here is a couple of style of adverts that really grinds my gears:

Dubbed adverts

Nothing makes me detest a product and pigheadedly choose to not buy it regardless of how good or cost effective it might be more than when a multinational corporation makes one advert, and sends it around the world dubbed over in that country’s national tongue. If you can’t be arsed to pay actors who speak English to recreate the desired advert, then I can’t be arse to buy your product. I could forgive a small start up company but the worst offenders tend be from major retailers of cleaning products. Why not pay that little bit extra and hire in some non famous actors from that country and tailor the advert to the people directly? Lazy!

Faked real adverts....

ARRRRR my head wants to explode already just thinking about them, I would love to get my hands on the person responsible for creating the first ever ‘These are real people being filmed from a  distance honest nudge nudge wink wink’ advert.

Firstly they fail immediately by using immaculate fake real people. Very few times in the actual real world do you come across people who are perfect to the very final detail, and if you do, then I would bet my left testicle they wouldn’t want to stop and talk to some smug prick who wants to show the rest of the un-kept public how bad their teeth actually are.

Secondly they always tend to take place in a beautiful shopping centre, no chavs in sight, no crap on the floor, and no old person pulling a tartan trolley doddering across the shot because they haven’t noticed the cameraman filming 20 yards away.

Thirdly the smug fake real prick fronting the product is always a well turned out marketing executive with a hugely successful background in sales, who in reality would be nowhere near the “shop floor” let alone manning a self constructed advertising stand. If they want to make me even slightly consider this set up to be real at least hire someone that is obnoxious, has half their shirt un-tucked at the back, stinks of smoke, and grunts “alright” as you walk past hoping you won’t actually stop and talk to them.  

Finally the biggest giveaway  is the fact these “REAL” people get told how ugly their skin is, how bad their teeth are, how disgustingly bad their clothes are cleaned, and told to fuck off for a week and use the desired product to see the improvement and they COME BACK!! No one in their right mind who gets told they are effectively scum would return to that smarmy nob chops to be judged a second time, they would take the freebie and leave never to be seen again, except maybe to slash the car tyres of the branded van sat waiting in the overpriced dark damp shopping centre car park.

I know work is work and an actor’s life can be tough until they have their big break, but if you accept one of these jobs then I hope you spend your nights crying into your pillow thinking about how you have sold out..... because I am sat at home searching for the remote control hoping you get a pretty nasty and aggressive STD.

Bring back the Tango man.

 

The story rant so far:

Argos Aliens
Canesten thrush cream  
EDF Energy crap out on their Blue Price Promise
No-Touch No-Point No-Need Soap Dispensers 
Mobile Application Toys

Crocodile Dundee wannabe? Elmer Fudd maybe.

I watched a program last night I had recorded called ‘When animals attack’ I think it was number 8 if you want to check it out, but they had this old fella on there who was talking about Nile Crocodiles alongside a teacher in Africa who had survived an attack by one as he was swimming.

This old boy was a retired game hunter who had killed over 800 crocs in his time and was as proud as punch of this fact and I quote “I respect Crocs but I love to kill em”. This old fart and his hard on for shooting animals rubbed me right up the wrong way, as it always does, why do some hunters think that the person behind the firearm is apparently greater in the hunt than then animals they are killing.  

I’m not going to slam hunting entirely because I’d be a hypocrite, especially as I went fishing this week for the first time in almost 20 years, albeit just to catch some common Bleak with my two young sons as they were keen to try fishing. Plus I eat meat, I love meat, and animals die to give me this meat. I even understand that at times some animals need to be culled for various reasons. But what gets right under my skin is the excitement and sense of ultimate manhood some hunters get about their kill and this is especially true of big game hunters.

If you really must kill something for nothing other than to get your rocks off or for an ugly trophy on your wall then at least see if for what it is, an (apparent) advanced form of intelligent life using a weapon that can fire at distance to kill defenceless animals. Don’t sit there stroking your ego making your supposed achievement sound like the battle of all battles, man against beast in an epic primal encounter where only the strongest will survive..... No your hid behind a bush with a firearm, woooooo what a tough guy.

If you want that accolade get yourself in training, pump those weights, take no end of mixed martial arts classes and then get in the swap and kill that croc with your bare hands. Go running face on to the prides biggest male Lion and stick one on his chin, dive into the deep blue sea with a paper cut and get a great white shark in a headlock so you can pull its teeth out for your ever so manly necklace. Do this, and even though you’re still killing animals for “fun” at least you have some right to sit their smugly safe in the knowledge you pitted your wits and strength against big game on a level (ish) playing field.

What a complete bunch of cowardly HCuntsman they are.

A gift from the stars

If you ever needed evidence that a Doctor Who type of person existed then Baby Wipes is it. How can something that is made to go on the most delicate of skins be so effective at wiping ANYTHING off?

I have seen baby wipes get marks of walls that have been there for years, it cleans any paint off your skin quicker and less smelly than using white spirit, they are the most effective tool in cleanliness that has ever been invited and they can be used on BABIES!

Alien technology is the only answer to how they manage it, no acid, no bleach, no lethal concoction of chemicals, nothing, just a fragrant smell of a semi damp rag and hey presto your kids arses are shining and that stain on your coffee table is no more.

You can keep your sonic screwdriver cheers Doc, the baby wipes are the way forward.

Exercise should come with a health warning

Is exercise really that good for you once you get past your twenties? I’ve decided to start playing football again over 10 years after I had hung my football boots up, and my body is killing after just two weeks of training.

IF exercise was good for you when you start going grey and carrying a few extra pounds to keep the chill out at winter, then surely your body no matter how unfit you are would feel better after it’s been exercised? I know there is some medical mumbo-jumbo that tries to give an explanation for why our body’s ache after exercise, especially if we haven’t done much for a while, but ahhh come on seriously? What else do you do that is meant to be fun but ends up actually hurting?

Imagine if mans favourite past time of walking Willie the one eyed wonder worm made you hurt the next day the same way exercises does? Although to be fair I haven’t ever stopped for long enough like I have with exercise to find out, so maybe that’s a bad example?

Ok so scrap that but you get my drift? Things that are meant to be fun and good for you regardless of age shouldn’t hurt. Plus where have some of these exercises they have me doing come from? Has the bloke who trains us done an apprenticeship in Somalia with the pirates learning new torture techniques? Take Planking not only does it sound like swashbuckling pirate talk, but after 20 seconds of keeping my body straight and off the floor with just the use of my lowers arms and toes, id not only tell them where the treasure was I'd make them a packed lunch for the journey.

I won’t even approach giving you my opinions on burpees as I am trying hard to not swear on this blog, but if you don’t know what they are so have never done them, don’t. In fact if anyone says to you “let’s do burpees” make yourself burp and then run away as fast as you can because that person is probably a Sadist.

The good news is I think I have a way of dealing with the pain, a drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops. It’s amazing how much movement I get back with every can or bottle, so just as long as I keep drinking this football training and “keeping fit” malarkey can’t actually get the better of me! Ta da I know the secret that has obviously helped all our athletes who have won so many medals at this year’s Olympics in London. They wouldn’t have been able to keep up such a schedule of torment for four years without getting bang on the source each evening, and it’s probably why despite continually being unfairly taxed there is still a tidy profit being made by those who make the true energy drinks with at least a 5% alcohol volume.

I will kick a competitive football again and I have beer to thank for it, exercise and those who spread lies about its benefits can do one.

Stay Safe. Stay Legal.

Sadly in these times self protection has become a real issue for many people young and old. The vicious circle of carrying a weapon in case you get attacked by someone carrying a weapon is putting normally law abiding citizens at risk of doing something that will have massive implications on their futures.

But fear no more as I think I have found the solution!

Dog poo bags.

Yes that’s right dog poo bags, the small cheap often black or green bags us dog walkers carry in our back pockets to pick up the little parcels of smelly warm love our dear wonderful pets are so eager to do in public instead of in their own gardens.

It never fails to amuse me how far people will go to avoid me when I’m walking down the road with Tank in one hand while slightly swinging a small warm bag of dog poo in the other. No matter how young, old, big, small or slightly mentally deranged they look; no one wants to get close to me because of some strange inherent fear that I might hit them with the swinging bag of poop.

I get the feeling I have already sold the idea to you, but just in case your part of the small % of people scratching their head thinking “knife or poo” let’s take a look at the positives against the negatives.

Benefits of carrying a bag of poo over a knife:

• Potential muggers or attackers are less likely to approach you in the first place.
• No attacker will attempt to take the bag of poo off you.
• You can swing the poo as violently as you like and your never be sent to prison for defending yourself.
• They are cheap and can be brought in all major supermarkets.
• Even if you don’t have a dog you can always find some poo.

Negatives:

• Being attacked by a dog scat lover who only gets further excited by the presence of the dog poo bag.

So there you have it, a cheap legal way of guaranteeing your own personal safety.

The unwarranted abuse of Bollocks

Today I have been thinking about the derogative use of the word bollocks and how unjustified the use of this word in a negative manner is.

My bollocks or testicles (from the Latin testiculus) have performed outstandingly for me over the years. There core functions of producing sperm and the male hormones of which testosterone is the best-known has been remarkable!

Although my teenage years and the majority of my twenties saw most of their hard work flushed away in vain. I did eventually allow them to complete a couple of successful missions, and my two boys are true amazing miracles of the lottery of life.

So why when we get told something we disagree with, or shown something that doesn’t make us happy, we associate this unpleasantly to the miracle making testicles, with the phrase “what a load of bollocks”???!

I agree they aren’t the best looking thing in the world, I wouldn’t want a pair on my mantelpiece, or choose to hang a couple round a gold chain. But is their appearance really justification for being used as a negative, and if so why do we not attribute this theory to other things? I never hear anyone say “what a load of old elbow skin” or “Oh cellulite!”

Furthermore, if we are to accept the inevitable that our bollocks will be forever used as a term for when things aren’t great, why do we consider Canine testicles the epitome of perfection?!!!

“That my friend is the dog’s bollocks!”

Are they more attractive? Do they have other functions that our human testicles do not? No, well at least I hope not, I haven’t yet come across anyone sporting a pair of dog’s bollocks on their head as a trendy hat, or seen a dog creating work of art from within.

Maybe being a nation of animal lovers we have a profound guilt about generally removing the dog’s bollocks as a puppy, that we ease this guilt with associating them to flawlessness regardless of the subject matter?

I have a great fondness towards dogs, but surely our man sacks that play a significant part in creating human life are more worthy of a positive phrase then that of dogs whose nuts generally end up in a vets bin?

Finally, and I do appreciate I have ranted on about bollocks for a fair bit already. But where did the phrase “He dropped a bollock” come from?

Surely no man in the history of mankind has ever dropped his own testicle? And why were they out of the scrotum in the first place? At what point did this man decide a safer place to keep his testicles instead of the creation made scrotum, was in fact his hands?

The whole thing is just a load of old elbow skin!

Constructive Feedback is not positive; it’s a negative genius at work

Annoyingly positive people should be shot because they contribute nothing to society other then winding me up.

Let’s face it, what does being positive all the time ever accomplish? Change only happens when you dislike something so much you start to think of how it can be improved. How many times do you sit at work regardless of your chosen career and think “what a bureaucratic, time wasting, pointless process this is”??  It is that collective negativity that will eventually get it changed. Positive people do not do this; they sit there and think of excuses for why the process is ‘good’.......wankers!

Negative people not only make the world better, they make people better. When you’re doing something that bugs the crap out of everyone, your positive friends won’t stop you, nooooooo those bastards will just let you continue being a prick making everyone else hate you more. Your negative nature friends will call you on it, they have no choice, it’s either tell you to stop doing whatever your doing that is infuriating them, or knock your teeth out

It is important to be positive at times I agree, however it is not healthy or helpful to look for the best in everything all the time.  Embrace that inner voice that is saying ‘what a load of old shit’, let him speak out, never suppress the negative genius that can make a difference.

Negative people also tend to come up with quicker and more effective solutions. There nerves are so small generally, they can’t be bothered doing something half arsed, this will not improve it, it just adds to their frustrations because you haven’t resolved the issue, just delayed it, and what could be more annoying than that?

Let’s take President Mugabe, even the most positive of people in this world would struggle to find ‘positive reasons’ for his continued leadership in Zimbabwe. However these annoying diplomatic positive turds will think of so called “solutions” that meet President Mugabe half way, but why? The man is a monster. The wonderful negative freedom fighter has a much better way of dealing with such tyrants, eliminate them.

Let’s not live in a more positive world, let’s live in a controlled negative one. Give negative people a voice without fear of being labelled a trouble maker, or the recipient of a freshly folded P45, and you will see improvements!

Positive people won’t let change happen, they use our insecurities against us, they make us take the easy option of surrounding ourselves with people that make us feel good, rather than those who tell it as it is. Positive people are sneaky soulless bastards keeping us from achieving more in life.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, well he does, and it’s inside all those positive fuckers!

Save your soul, embrace negativity.